1—That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2—It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3—The red dirt—it's called clay. Red clay. If you like
the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks—it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it—they're called "clods."
4—We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5—Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get you whipped . . . by our women.
6—Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to
us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for . . . bait.
7—Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8—Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and
whatevers, and wear your hair long—go right ahead—but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9—If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10—That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a
fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11—No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12—Tea? Yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and
is sweet. You want it hot—set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened—add a lot of water.
13—You bring Coke into my house, it'd better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14—So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we use only two weeks a year.
15—And let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16—Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks—because they
want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17—We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before
we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18—We don't do "hurry up" well.
19—Greens—yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.
You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20—Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21—They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways—Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
22—Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even
some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them— then you want cream-of-wheat—go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23—The "opener" refers to the first day of deer season or
dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
24—So every person in every pick-up waves? Yeah, it's called
being friendly. Understand the concept?
25—Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators—and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26—That highway patrol officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot . . . his name is "Sir" . . . no matter how old he is.
27—We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from
them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28—You burn an American flag in our state—you get beat up.
No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all 4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit . . . and I emphasize "visit."
