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'elf Express Extra

Get Hold of Your Elf!

"Get hold of your 'elf!"


Your weekly collection of marketing tips, hints, and advice interspersed with humor, inspiration, and other goodies to spice things up a bit. Guidance, tutoring, advice, mentoring, coaching, inspiration, English lessons, editing, proofreading services for entrepreneurs and online marketers.



Publisher: Mary Wilkey
Volume 3 - Issue 49 - June 28, 2003
Regular issue published every Tuesday


Greetings, all . . . this is the second extra issue this week, necessary to get all the new subscriber ads published. And to all those new subs, please note that extra issues always have a lot more classifieds than the regular issue, published every Tuesday, so hang in there with me.

Also, you need to know that the little circumflexes ( ) you will find throughout the email version are necessary to foil the spam filters. You can read any issue without them on the website at http://elfexpressionsezine.com.





In Remembrance of
September 11, 2001


Smile!

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But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God:
I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever.

—Psalm 52:8



Contents:

Sponsor Ad
Guest Article
Classifieds
Today’s Chuckle
Classifieds
Internet Tips & Hints
Classifieds
Guest Article
Classifieds
Inspiration
Classifieds
Etcetera


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Guest Article


How Much Weight Can You Pull?
by Christian Godefrey

Yesterday afternoon my daughter returned from college with a smiling face and headed straight to her room without even kissing me, something she never fails to do normally.

What made her so excited? When she did not come out of her room even after an hour, I approached her room stealthily. I looked through the open door.

She had freed her small rabbit from its cage where it dined on a leaf of lettuce and a trough of water. She had also made a small iron wagon to which she attached the rabbit. Her rabbit had the air of an old beast of burden.

"That's curious," I told myself, "my daughter seems to be having no consideration for the companion with long ears." Her rabbit, usually treated to love and kisses, was now being treated with scientific detachment.

She regularly filled up the wagon with sand and pebbles and pinched Bunny so that it reacted. Then she noted the rabbits' slightest movements.

The poor rabbit could draw the cart by small successive jumps for some time but when the weight became too heavy, it would become stiff, accelerate its breathing and grit its teeth. The wagon did not move even by an inch and the pinching soon became useless.

My daughter then took a pad and a pencil and noted 400 grams. She spoke the number proudly and aloud.

I decided to intervene: "May I know what are you doing?"

Surprised but visibly glad, she explained to me that her professor of natural science had asked them to invent an experiment. She had the idea of the cart and the pebbles for evaluating how much weight her pet rabbit could pull. The pinching was a necessary part of all experiments of this type.

"And what are your conclusions?" I asked her, half amused, half-anxious for Bunny who in one corner continued to pant.

"Well, Bunny is capable of pulling up to 450 grams. After that, he gets tired and quits."

"I did not chide my daughter, since I thought it would be advisable to tell her that she had just discovered a very important law of human life.

"What a great life lesson! Your professor will surely be happy with this experiment. You can apply those results to many circumstances: your career, your education, your love life, and family relationships.

You may still find yourself in the Bunny's predicament if you force yourself to draw more weight . . . than you can handle."

--o0o--

In order to live happily, healthfully, and serenely, it is so important to find our limits for ourselves, rather than having them imposed on us by others. Before anyone (including yourself) puts a too-heavy burden on you, know where the boundaries are for your time, energy, and strength.

It is okay to say a polite "no" to Herculean requests. Poor bunny cannot speak for himself, but we humans have the ability to put the brakes on before our burdens become unbearable.

But all of that does not mean that that you cannot, when you want, go further and push away your "limits." Your potential is unlimited.

©2003: http://www.club-positif.com

=========================================================================

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A Bible Riddle

Can you describe the New Testament name given for the sea creature that swallowed Jonah?

Answer — Jesus called it a whale in Matthew 12:40: "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth." In the book of Jonah it is simply called a great fish—Jonah 1:17.



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Today's Chuckle


Sam's Explosive Secret

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"




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What deserves your attention most is the last thing to get it.

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Guest Article


R E C A L L     N O T I C E

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed, Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality, or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:
Loss of direction
Foul vocal emissions
Amnesia of origin
Lack of peace and joy
Selfish, or violent behavior
Depression or confusion in the mental component
Fearfulness
Idolatry
Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this S-I-N defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of S-I-N through the Repentance procedure. Next, download Atonement from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the S-I-N defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-control

Please see the operating manual, the Holy Bible, for further details on the use of these fixes.

As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Spirit.

Repaired units need only make Him welcome, and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

Warning: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

Danger: The human being units not responding to this action will have to be scrapped in the furnace.

The S-I-N defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven, so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention.

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important notice.

—Source unknown

==============================================================



Inspiration


A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. - The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. - The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. - In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.

—Author Unknown




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Etcetera

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