Your weekly collection of marketing tips, hints, and advice interspersed with humor, inspiration, and other goodies to spice things up a bit. Guidance, tutoring, advice, mentoring, coaching, inspiration, English lessons, editing, proofreading services for entrepreneurs and online marketers.
Publisher: Mary Wilkey
Volume 4 - Issue 5-3 - January 25, 2005
Published every Tuesday
Hi, everyone ... don't know about all of you, but I, for one, am up to "here" with all the snow and bitter cold this year. I keep reminding myself that Spring will have sprung in about eight weeks. Of course, in Ohio that's no guarantee of nice weather . . . but it's nice to dream . . .
Another dream I have . . . venturing out even on a short trip without encountering numerous morons . . . makes you wonder how these people are able to pass a driver's license exam!
--------------------------
In
Remembrance of
September 11, 2001
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The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.—Psalm 19:8
Contents:
Sponsor Ad
Ad Contest
Feature Article
Classifieds
Today’s Chuckle
Today's English lesson
Internet Tips & Hints
Guest Article
Memories
Inspiration
Etcetera
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Enthusiasm is the genius of sincerity. Truth accomplishes victories.
—Bulwer
Feature Article
Some Enlightening Information
The following article was sent to me by a friend in Washington State. I hope that you will share it with everyone you know. We've got to wake people up before it's too late!
At about the time our original thirteen states adopted their new
constitution, in the year 1787, Alexander Tyler (a Scottish history
professor at the University of Edinborough) had this to say about "The
Fall of the Athenian Republic" some 2,000 years prior.
"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as
a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist
until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves
generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the
majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most
benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every
democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, (which
is) always followed by a dictatorship."
"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the
beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200
years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
• From bondage to spiritual faith;
• From spiritual faith to great courage;
• From courage to liberty;
• From liberty to abundance;
• From abundance to complacency;
• From complacency to apathy;
• From apathy to dependence;
• From dependence back into bondage."
Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul,
Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the
most recent Presidential election:
Population of counties won by:
Gore=127 million
Bush=143 million
Square miles of land won by:
Gore=580,000
Bush=2,2427,000
States won by:
Gore=19
Bush=29
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore=13.2
Bush=2.1
Professor Olson adds:
"In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land
owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's
territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned
tenements and living off government welfare . . . "
Olson believes the U.S. is now somewhere between the "complacency and
"apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy; with
some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the
"governmental dependency" phase.
I saved my first husband's life, but he later died of a heart attack. I later became the wife of the man whom I had persuaded to spare my first husband's life. This second husband I married was a king. Who was I?
Answer — Abigail, as found in 1 Samuel, Chapter 25.
Classifieds
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He who takes his time generally takes other people's, too!
Today's Chuckle
Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity
1 — Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2 — One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor . . .
3 — Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4 — If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5 — The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6 — I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7 — What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8 — If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9 — If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10 — Is there another word for synonym?
11 — Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12 — What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13 — If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14 — Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15 — Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16 — If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17 — Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18 — If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19 — Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20 — How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21 — What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22 — One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23 — Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24 — Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25 — How is it possible to have a civil war?
26 — If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27 — If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28 — If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29 — Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?
30 — Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31 — Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32 — Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33 — If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
34 — Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Fools find fault; wise men discover virtues.
Today's English Lesson
Seeing the same elementary mistakes over and over again has prompted this publisher to write an English lesson each issue. Look for some of these lessons to be repeated, because the mistakes are!
Did you know that lions and tigers now have progressed to the point that they will actually "pray" on you? I have not actually seen either of these animals kneeling with paws folded and heads bowed, but someone must have, at least they have written that they "pray"!
What this moron meant was, of course, "prey" . . . and just when I think I may be running out of material for this feature!
Reminder: We offer a reasonably priced editing/proofreading service for articles or even entire ezines. Just email: service@elfexpressionsezine.com
Happiness is a byproduct of work well done.—Source unknown
Internet Hints & Tips
Checking the Status of the Information Superhighway
Using Ping and Traceroute Gateways
Having trouble reaching your destination on the
Internet? Maybe your path on the information
superhighway is experiencing traffic congestion,
or maybe it's the Internet weather.
If you are experiencing problems trying to reach
a given site, then you can use the traceroute
to determine where the problem lies, whether
it's the site you are wanting to reach which is
experiencing heavy traffic or it's your net host
that is having such traffic problems or another
router host that is causing the delay.
It's good to know about this before you send any
email complaints to the site you were trying to
reach, when they really are not the culprit.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do.—Dale Carnegie
Guest Article
How to Sell More and Profit from Free Drive-Thru Traffic!
by Abe Cherian
You have seen it . . . it's everywhere. Traffic exchanges, toolbar
traffic programs, incentive traffic programs, etc.
Driving traffic "through" your website and not really "to" your website
content. It's very inexpensive advertising, and most of these advertising
programs are free.
Marketers and site owners are seduced by the large flood of visitors
to their website, thinking that more traffic means more sales.
Much to their dismay, they find out that all these traffic programs did
was increase their bandwidth and produced no leads and no sales.
Now how do you convert these non-qualified visitors into qualified
prospects and then to paying customers?
Finding good customers is like finding "diamonds in the rough." So how do you do that? You gotta sift it carefully.
This is an example of "sifting":
You (A-B-C Company) promote a whole line of business opportunities
and affiliate programs. And you are using one of those traffic programs
to do it.
You get not three, not two, but only one chance to turn these
visitors into paying customers . . .
But this is what happens . . .
Most of your visitors will take a peek at your splash page and leave the
website for many reasons:
** Not a good time to purchase
** Don't have enough time to read your website
** Did not understand the product due to clutter or information
overload on your website
** Did not see the real value in your product right away
** They like the product/service but just don't act on it right away.
** Didn't like your website navigation
. . . and many other unknown and strange reasons.
They will never get a chance to see your great offer ever again! You've
lost them . . . forever.
This is called a "lead capture page." When you use a "lead capture page" like this one, you'll capture 10-40% of your visitors' information
for future follow-up and then re-direct them to your main website.
You'll instantly see your conversion rate and sales go up, because:
** You will capture valid and qualified leads.
** You will have enough leads to make sales daily!
** You will get unlimited opportunities to contact them automatically.
** You will increase sales and lower your advertising cost.
Abe Cherian is the owner of Multiple Stream Media (http://www.multiplestreammktg.com), a leading marketing and advertising company helping thousands of small businesses achieve success using direct selling tools and unique promotional methods.
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
—Elbert Hubbard
Memories
Do You Remember? I Remember . . .
The smell of Old Spice, Dad in his gray brimmed hat, white shirt, and scrolled wingtips.
When nobody owned a pure bred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance and another quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every week and wore high heels.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot.
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . . and did.
When the worst thing you could do at school was to smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test, or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium or the gym, and we danced to an orchestra, and all the girls wore pastel gowns, and the boys wore suits for the first time, and we stayed out all night.
Inspiration
This is especially for "rednecks."
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a
reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family,
country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit . . . that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if . . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under
God . . . "
You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public
places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head or look up to the heavens when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.
You treat Vietnam vets with great respect and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe, and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who
is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
"Note: We are not liable for the use of any contributed information contained herein. We also claim no responsibility for the legality or accuracy of advertisements or articles submitted and reprinted by permission. It is the contributor's and/or advertiser's responsibility to abide by all pertinent jurisdictional laws and regulations pertaining to that person's business."
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