[I was going to put these in "Today's Chuckle," but they're more pathetic and unbelievable than funny. Read these, and then you'll have a better understanding of why our country is in the shape it's in.]
2009 Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards." For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.—you know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler, who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses, after his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more ...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned, and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more ...
Double head scratching after this one ...
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered fourth place in the Stellas, when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle—even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he had asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch; you're getting a bald spot ...
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson, of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft-drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more, so ease up on the scratching ...
* SECOND PLACE *
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city, because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Okay, here we go!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an O.U. football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.
The Oklahoma jury awarded her ... are you sitting down? $1.7 mil. PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who also might buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid ... or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?
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